Why parking Nazis?
Imagine this scenario: you live from hand to mouth. You need your car to commute to work. However, at work there is not enough parking. You try to rotate your car to comply with the alternate side of the street limited parking mumbo jumbo, and inevitably you slip up now and then. Each slip-up costs you $20 that you can’t afford. However, you’d better afford them because otherwise your car, the means of access to your livelihood will get towed, and then you’ll be assessed fines you can afford even less. There is no recourse, no waiver due to hardship, no extension. Pay up or lose your car and therefore your job. Who exactly benefits from this? In what way is the local government making the community better through parking fines?
What, is this supposed to reduce pollution or traffic? Bullshit. It’s not as if most people have a choice of whether or not to commute… or whether or not to park. “I’ve learned my lesson, officer– from now on I’ll fold my car up neatly and put it in my pocket instead of leaving it sitting around on the street like that”. It’s a good thing that parking regulations don’t reduce traffic and pollution, because if they did, it would be by causing unemployment as in the above extreme example.
Tempting as it is to believe that governments everywhere are trying to force us to become their wards, either as inmates or as welfare recipients, I think the motive is much simpler. PARKING FINES ARE A CYNICAL, WEASLY WAY TO SINGLE OUT PEOPLE WHO AREN’T FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO LIVE WITHIN WALKING DISTANCE OF THEIR JOBS FOR A FORM OF TAXATION. They know we’ll pay, they’ll squeeze us for all we’re worth, and the politicians responsible for these decisions often aren’t even accountable to the people affected by these decisions because those people live and vote in a different neighborhood.
Homeless shelters and libraries are fine and peachy, by why should you pay for them in *another* neighborhood? You already contribute to that neighborhood’s economy and tax base indirectly (through your employer) and directly (as a consumer– how often do you go an entire day without buying something near your job?).
If you know how to read, you already know about the Fed’s ongoing attack on your Constitutional rights… but the problem begins closer to home. Right where you live and work, every day, you are being subjected to taxation without representation. Every day your wallet is being riffled through. What are you going to do about it? I know what I’m going to do. I’m going to fight, and I’m going to fight dirty.
Oh, and I have no sympathy for the parking Nazis who do the footwork for the petty bureaucrats running our cities. I have the utmost respect for cops, who put their lives on the line to protect us from crime. No matter what kind of cheesy girl-scout uniforms the parking Nazis wear, THEY ARE NOT COPS. They never made the cut, and they never will. Parking Nazis are parasites preying on people with real jobs. They know it, and they just don’t care. In my book, that makes them fair game for anything you can do without getting caught. Here are some ideas to get you started.
Ways to fuck with parking Nazis:
Put pepper spray or mace on your windshield, especially the wipers. That stuff is oil based, and won’t be washed away by a casual rainstorm, though you might have to reapply it if you use wiper fluid.
Collect envelopes from your parking tickets, and make color xerox copies of a fake parking ticket. Put one on everybody’s car. Enjoy the fun as hundreds of pissed off citizens go to the precinct to ask “WTF?”
Organize an email list for people in your area, and tell everyone to send email to it whenever they see parking-Nazi activity nearby, with the location and type of activity (chalking, ticketign, towing)
Shoot them or run them over. Decapitate the corpses. Hang heads from parking signs as a warning to other parking Nazis. Illegal, but who the hell is going to report you?
In some locales, the parking Nazis put chalk-marks on people’s tires to check how long their car has been standing there. So, bring a wet rag and wipe yours off. While you’re at it, wipe off everyone else’s. This simple act of kindness will save a lot of honest working stiffs like yourself a lot of money, and it will really piss off your local parking Nazi because in a few minutes you will have wasted hours of her or his work. Now they’ll know how it feels.
You giveth, and you taketh away. Buy a box of colored chalk. When you see marks on one car’s tires, match the chalk color and put the same marks on everybody’s tires!
The kind of white/black trash that works these jobs is ignorant and superstitious. Play on that. Create a crisis of faith by hanging a cross off your rear-view mirror, and maybe a Bible on the dashboard. Or, inspire apprehension by hanging up a shrunken voodoo head and a sign reading: “Disease on the homes of those who do me harm.” Be creative, have fun. You’ll still get tons of tickets, but at l