HOW DID I GET PTSD?

There are different causes of my PTSD. All of them include a traumatic event. In order to make it easier to understand, I will divide my traumatic events into four groups:

1. Physical abuse (mostly during my childhood)
2. Emotional abuse during my childhood
3. Bullying and mobbing during my childhood
4. Being the victim of robbery and crimes

1. Physical abuse (mostly during my childhood)

I was a victim of undergoing violence by my mother. Sometimes she would lose control over herself and started to beat me. I will give you an example of my own psychological trauma. This is an example, which is also published in my book:

“Age 18 years old. An unexpected outburst of anger of my mother. She suddenly grabs a hammer, raises it above my head and she attempts to hit my head with it. I grab her hands above my head and I try to protect myself. I take the hammer away from her. She regards this as a personal attack at her. “HOW DARE YOU TOUCH YOUR MOTHER!”, she cries out. And her anger and aggression are increasing rapidly. I’m being beaten and I’m not allowed to defend myself. I let myself being beaten to avoid the situation getting even worse. Her verbal aggression is still going on for a couple of days. I constantly experience a lot of stress and fear, in case she might unexpectedly do something to me.”

2. Childhood emotional abuse

I was a victim of verbal aggression, emotional neglect, dominant behaviour, manipulating and emotional blackmailing, by my own mother. My mother used to tell me: “Your emotions are nonsense. They only exist in your imagination. You are making them up”. She blames me for having to go through all the unfortunate events in her live. She always told me: You are a bad son. She did make me feel guilty. Other things she did were yelling, swearing, rejecting, degrading, terrorizing, failing to provide care in a sensitive and responsive manner, being detached and uninvolved, interacting only when necessary; ignoring my mental health needs. I will give you an example of my own psychological trauma. This is an example which is also published in my book:

“Age 19 years old. My mother attempts to commit suicide by jumping from a railway bridge underneath a riding train. She says I’m the one to blame, because I am a bad son. I am in a state of shock. I am paralyzed caused by a nervous breakdown and I’m terribly afraid that she is going to hurt herself some way or another. I’m suffering from a lot of stress and anxieties. ”

3. Bullying and mobbing during my childhood

Bullying and mobbing are forms of emotional abuse and psychological violence. Mobbing means (in my case) being bullied by a group in connection with for instance a school, a neighbourhood or a community. I will give you an example of my own psychological trauma. This is an example out of my book:

“Age 10 years old. We move. My beloved grandmother dies. My situation has become worse. My mother is now turning sadistic. Something inside her “thinks it’s nice “to hurt me (mentally as well as physical). Every time she has maltreated me, I notice a happy satisfaction on the look of her face. She’s feeling contented. Neither at home, nor outside, nor at school, I feel safe. I’m constantly being pestered, bullied and mobbed both at school and in the new neighborhood. No friends. No family. There’s nobody left for me anymore. Instead everywhere there is a war going on for me. 360 degree battlefield. The enemy front, at which I continuously have to try to survive, is all around me. I have no home front or somebody who’s standing beside me. I feel lonely, very sad and very depressed. These are violent hard times. I don’t want to live any more. Each night, before falling asleep, I beg to God never having to wake up again. My mother isn’t aware of this supplication. As from this age my depression is just worsening.”

4. Being the victim of robbery and crimes

I was a victim of different crimes like robbery and extortion.

Read also:HOW-I-OVERCAME-MY-TRAUMA-PTSD-PHILIPPE-IZMAILOV-extra-small
How did I get PTSD?
My experience with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
My experience with EMDR
How to make yourself feel good
Nasty emotions

 

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