Asexual, trauma, sexual attraction, orientation, sensuality, triggered PTSD

My name is Xanthe & I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). PTSD mainly from sexual trauma.

I got triggered in this video and it wasn’t distressing but just a nuisance. My mind went completely blank for a while. Dissociated when I was quiet for a while. Couldn’t think at all.

In this video, talking about the frustration of whether to try label or not my sexual orientation. Can’t win whether try to label or avoid labels. As other people get shitty regardless. Today, someone got shitty at me because they said that by avoiding labels, I am making women believe they have a change with me. If I label my orientation as straight, men have a lot of expectations of sex. If I label my orientation as asexual, people say that’s impossible and have all kinds of misconceptions.

Out of all the labels I’m aware of, greyasexual (a form of asexuality) and demiromantic seem to fit closest. I don’t strongly experience sexual attraction and romantic attraction like other people. I go for intimacy and sensuality instead. Some other people who experience similar to me can relate but other people who experience ‘typical’ sexual and romantic attraction struggle to get their head around this.

I am not attracted to genitalia and have an aversion to other people’s body fluids (sensory issues mainly). I don’t know if I am naturally asexual or if trauma played a part. I can enjoy sex sometimes if there is a mind connection and sensuality. I don’t necessarily need physical attraction. This can confuse people.

What also can confuse people is that I can have a very high libido sometimes when manic with bipolar (gets called hypersexuality although I think is more hyperlibido). But I’m not necessarily attracted to people. If I do experience sexual attraction (very rare), it doesn’t tend to last long.

Source: Youtube