Bipolar mixed episode, memory, mania, hypersexuality, dissociation

My name is Xanthe Wyse. Diagnosed bipolar 1 disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), social anxiety disorder.

I have my own interpretations and clinicians say I am very insightful as I can put together the big picture from multiple sources, even though I have cognitive impairments from my disabilities. I have severely impaired short-term memory, yet incredible long-term memory for some things.

I managed to recover a memoir I typed 7 years ago. I am currently copy typing it with minor editing to republish as context as Bipolar Cringe. It is memoir about a massive antidepressant fueled mania episode, triggered by rejection from my then-husband. The final year of my marriage was ‘open’ – ‘consensual non-monogamy’. I ended up in a psych ward.

It’s cringeworthy (has bad sex, ridiculous sex etc) but unfortunately, it happened. I was an alter ego called Randy and it was like a form of dissociation into someone I wasn’t. Men from all around the world jerked off to Randy.

I can’t be bothered with performative hypersexualised hyperfemininity. I have only done performative stuff when manic.

I believed I was autistic and asexual.
I subconsciously lined up bottles of nail polish when talking. Fidgeting helps ground me and stop me from dissociating.

Bipolar Cringe (to be published as soon as I can get it retyped up) is a memoir of mainly a year of mania hypersexuality and the trainwreck that a long-term marriage became.

Pet Purpose: Your Unspoken is a semiautobiographical novel with a bigger picture – also focusing on mania and PTSD, but with less sex.

Source: Youtube