Bipolar mixed mood processing PTSD. Disability. Ableism. Purpose. Expression.

My name is Xanthe Wyse. Diagnosed bipolar 1 disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, social anxiety disorder. I have severe disability yet sometimes I look ‘well’ and fine when I’m not. I get called ‘ableist’ by zealots because I don’t see my diagnoses as my entire identity.

I don’t like showing myself in this state but I am filming different mood states to show what it is like for me with bipolar 1 disorder and PTSD. Currently in mixed mood state, exhausted yet still busy. Irritable yet too shutdown for anger. Melancholic yet too shut down for sadness most of the time.

I talk about disability, abelism, purpose, expression.

I paint to cope with the distress of having bipolar and PTSD. I can’t paint everyday though as each painting is like a marathon.

Mixed mood episodes (aka ‘mixed features’) for me has more anxiety, feels exhausting, more likely to be tearful and/or irritable, feel burnt out yet can’t rest.

The fidgeting in the form of tossing the egg back and forth was subconsious. Some people call it ‘stimming’ others call it ‘psychomotor agitation’. Movement usually helps relieve some of the tension and anxiety energy so not overwhelmed by it. It also helps stop me from shutting down. The egg is symbolic to what I am processing. What I do with it is subconscious.

Medications don’t cure bipolar. I am slurring my speech somewhat in the video which will be side-effects of the sedating meds combined with cognitive impairments of my disabilities.

Purpose is what keeps me alive. Determination to have a voice – in all different kinds of ways. To help others understand what it’s like. To help others find ways to cope. To make something beautiful out of broken pieces.

Source: Youtube