My name is Xanthe Wyse. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, social anxiety disorder. Have also had some other very painful conditions & injuries.
I have suffered extreme physical and pyschological distress and I consider extreme pyschological distress to be worse than extreme physical pain that morphine didn’t take the edge off.
I was triggered by reading an article on social media about euthanasia with people with disabilities – autism, depression etc. After being avoidant about going to work anyway. Avoidance is a big part of my diagnoses, including avoiding my own emotions as intense emotions are triggering for me. Yet I finally experience a release when they come out.
I realised when I was talking, the big trigger was connected to the euthanasia of my pet cat Tommy when I was a child. I believe it was the right choice as he was so severely injured and the vet said he would suffer the rest of his life. Yet it affected me in so many ways as linked to other traumas which I didn’t go into here.
Suffering is part of the human condition. Some of us have a lot of suffering. People with disabilities are vulnerable as they can be made to feel like they are a burden on society – I have felt like that myself.
I don’t think I would have the insights I have if I hadn’t been through hell multiple times. My art is all taking the suffering and transforming it. My semiautobiographical novel Pet Purpose is about the themes of suffering, disability, trauma, purpose. I am still editing it as I can only work on it a little bit at a time as it is so intense. Processing at my own pace.
I felt a lot better after processing some more of this trigger linked to Tommy the cat. Still very tired and vulnerable so won’t go to work today. Will try again tomorrow.