Exhausted, melancholy, low mixed mood bipolar, PTSD

My name is Xanthe Wyse. Diagnosed bipolar 1 disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I have the avoidance and shutdown presentation of PTSD.

When I do intense processing, my mood elevates and vice versa. What goes up must come down. In recent videos, would have seen aspects of mania for me, despite my being on meds. I am self-aware now. I can only access intense emotions in mania and mixed mood states.

Today, I feel exhausted and melancholic. My emotions are mostly shutdown, only feeling for a second here and there before shutting down again.

I don’t need to name my emotions nor to feel them strongly to process though. I listen to music that resonates with my mood. Today was mostly tortured love songs. Also Sober by P!nk.

I am not severely depressed in this video. More mixed mood, mainly on depressed side and shutdown. Yet I have been processing with the mood shift. My mind shuts things down because too overwhelming. Underneath, there is still unprocessed sadness and grief.

Colour and music help me process with less distress. The nail polishes are a little impulse buy in mood episodes that don’t break the bank. I know exactly what colour I want and the name confirms it. I made a decision which nail polish in less than 3 seconds. Currently wearing 5 colours in layers. How all my paintings are – multiple layers. All symbolic.

Music helps bring my mood down more gently than a hard crash (which can be very distressing). Meds also help me avoid extreme mood episodes.

Source: Youtube