Intense processing, purpose, voice after trauma. PTSD, bipolar.

My name is Xanthe Wyse.

I recorded this video a few days ago. I needed to watch it back a few times before deciding to upload (I don’t upload every video). It was recorded immediately after the other 2 uploads, so I was getting very tired after a lot of intense processing, approximately an hour of talking.

My psychology sessions are very similar, only she gives me feedback from clinical perspective and helps me to understand from clinical perspective – which is how I can give both what it looks like from the outside (clinical perspective) compared to how it feels like on the inside.

I am diagnosed bipolar 1 disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). On minimal meds (as the side effects are crap) and have had 2 years of weekly therapy for PTSD. I have the avoidance and shutdown presentation of PTSD aka childhood presentation. It’s not widely known about.

My psychologist, a trauma expert acknowledges that I have done most of my trauma and grief processing myself, in creative ways. Often without talking. I have shared some of this with my channel – the kinds of things I do. I know that trauma therapy with a competent professional isn’t always possible, so I have shared some of the ways I have done my own processing.

My traumas (two sexual assault traumas) happened with me being unable to speak (shutdown). Most of the processing has been with me not speaking with my mouth (which I struggle with) but going deeper by using movement to music (including painting, dancewalking).

Writing is hard for me as it involves sequencing words so others understand. But I find writing easier than speaking.

But after doing so many videos, I am getting more comfortable with speaking, even when my mind seems offline, dissociating.

It’s exhausting but I am processing making a video (all improvised), watching back, making notes from the video in my journal, writing a description. Recently, I have also started captioning some videos.

At first, I wrote some notes as my mind kept going blank with anxiety. Now my mind can go blank and I can still speak, although I might stumble, slur, mix up my words.

Processing is messy. Messy is okay. Trauma shatters – the shattered pieces can be repurposed with storytelling & creative expression to make whole. I paint when I can’t find the words or don’t know what I’m feeling. Improvise on piano when feeling melancholic.

I have been targeted by trolls and cyberbullies who accuse me of acting, being a narcissist, professional victim etc. There’s no way someone could fake my diagnoses and make over 600 videos all consistent with each other, also consistent with blog and books. With severe short-term memory impairments.

I started Bipolar Courage to reduce stigma. I don’t know how many more videos I will make. I thought I couldn’t make any more at all after cyberbullying.

My focus is my books. I am currently writing a second memoir, Bipolar Courage. My first novel, Pet Purpose: Your Unspoken Voice kept me going. Ridiculous goals. My story isn’t over yet. Working on two books, in my own time, without deadlines, without someone else changing my voice.

People confuse me with being autistic all the time. I have had a lot of abuse over this by self-proclaimed autistics (who preach self-diagnosis is valid).

Bipolar Courage is mainly about an intense connection with an autistic man. The emotional impact.

I want to sequence it better than Bipolar Cringe and have more wisdom about what I reveal and what I keep to myself.

Processing is exhausting and that’s why self-care is important (my walks to stay moderately fit, sleep etc).

More about my books

Source: Youtube