Mixed depressed mood bipolar, shutdown PTSD, sad, disability, determination, purpose

My name is Xanthe Wyse. Diagnosed bipolar 1 disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Mood currently mixed but mostly low (depressed). Cried a lot today – a lot of emotion that had never been fully expressed. Mostly shutdown in this video but wanted to show anyway so can see the different aspects.

I painted my nails with a 6th colour – bringing back to purpose – purple with purpose. Later will remove all the coats and start again. I have seen other people with bipolar also use nail polish in similar ways. When I’m grounded, I don’t wear any.

I don’t have many possessions but the objects I have are symbolic. Hedgehog ‘Softie’ for vulnerable. Paua egg ‘Shelly’ from broken pieces of paua shell. She’s pretty tough as I was throwing her from palm to palm hard in recent video and she handled it.

My paintings are metaphor and symbolism and usually metaphorical self-portraits.

I can mask emotion to the extreme. My psychologist says she can see the sadness in my eyes though. She said my disabilities are permanent.

Each painting is like running a marathon so need rest and recovery time.

I was unable to work today despite trying to get there. Too triggering with Valentine’s cards so avoiding strongly plus was crying too much and exhausted. Will try have a nap as sleep deprived. Try again tomorrow. Feel really burnt out currently. Goes in cycles.

Rest and self-care needed currently. Work is very hard to keep doing with my disabilities but I am stubborn and determined.

Purpose keeps me going no matter where I’m at. My purpose is to have a voice. Not only for me but for the vulnerable. In my own ways – my art etc.

Source: Youtube