My name is Xanthe.
In this video, I am doing some processing of emotions I usually have shutdown (I have the shutdown presentation of PTSD). I am doodling on the record while I talk. The other records have snippets of song lyrics on them that I have gradually processed. This is the final record before I try to string them together as a hanging process art piece. Of a survivor.
I rarely express the emotion of anger but I am feeling both hurt and angry in this video. Processing something that was very triggering for me that reminded me of how I was treated after the demise of a long-term relationship and friends turned on me and gossiped about me when I was very unwell (later diagnosed bipolar disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder, PTSD).
It’s hard for me to trust people because I have been betrayed multiple times after I have confided in someone I thought at the time was trustworthy.
The shapes I drew were improvised but were a bit like serrated leaves crossed with flames. Jagged and sawlike, like the pain I was processing. Onf of the things that upset me most was being lied about. I was called a homophobic, transphobic troll amongst other things by someone I had confided in but who shit on me.