My name is Xanthe Wyse. I have been vlogging about some of my insights with bipolar disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
I shed quiet tears in the second part of the video, which I did when I watched back also. It’s part of processing.
I have been following some detransitioners who admitted their transitioning was to try and escape themselves or trauma. I changed my name to try and escape trauma (sexual abuse and rape). Which is the main reasons I have PTSD.
Some of the detransitioners said their transitioning was like a whole body dissociation. I’ve also seen many stories of girls and women who either starved themselves or ate excessively to gain weight. Changed their figures. Very often survivors of sexual violence gain weight. I think it’s like subconsiously trying to be less attractive. I have gained weight on the bipolar meds but even when I was slimmer, I hid my figure under baggy clothes.
Some people made some comments about being sexually objectified. I have experienced this and it is one of the reasons I believe I downplay my appearance – usually don’t wear makeup, choose plain baggy ‘ugly’ clothes that hide by figure. In nearly all the videos, I wear my comfy yet ‘ugly’ clothes and rarely wear any makeup. Partly to deter creeps and predators.
One of the few times I wore a dress, a man commented on my breasts. As a compliment but I still felt objectified as he was friendly with me but his interest was sexual and I felt he didn’t care for me on a deeper level. This is how I have always felt. Like my worth is my sexual attractiveness and performance and nothing more to men. It’s painful.