My name is Xanthe Wyse. I have been sharing my lived experience focussing mainly on how I process trauma in creative ways as this may help others.
I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder (type 1), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), social anxiey disorder. Clinical psychologist said I have complex trauma under PTSD, not complex PTSD (cPTSD). Personality disorders and autism have been ruled out. I have the childhood presentation of PTSD with avoidance, freeze, shutdowns mainly.
I am a little bit elevated in this video, hence jumping around, going off on tangents and I noticed I substituted out some related words eg I said ‘clinical resistant depression’ when I meant ‘treatment resistant depression.’
The end of this video cut off but I said that most of my deepest processing has involved no talking with my mouth. My trauma happened when I could not speak and most of my processing also happens without speaking.
I have shared some of this process in dozens of videos. Some clinicians have given me feedback that what I do is beyond what they have learned.
Analysing the trauma doesn’t go deep enough to process much of it. Hence talk therapy hasn’t been that helpful for me other than someone trustworthy to listen without judging. I am very fortunate to be after more than 4 decades with PTSD to be seeing a trauma psychologist with a flexible approach. She is trusting me in my process and gives me feedback from clinical perspective, which is why I feel confident that I am using the correct descriptions from a clinical perspective to match up with my internal experiences.
Some of my processing involves simply assembling symbolic objects and taking a photo of them. Much of my processing involves music on a loop (fitting my mood/theme) and movement. It’s the opposite to freezing. The music accesses the deep emotions and memories which I don’t fully feel and what I’m processing flashes briefly into my mind. If it’s significant, I may quickly write it down, messily without breaking my trance like state.
Last night I named my owls Owlivia and Kandy Floss. There is personal symbolism for me in their names.