Reclaiming piano. Shutdown pain and emotion. Bipolar, PTSD.

My name is Xanthe Wyse. Diagnosed bipolar 1 disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), social anxiety disorder.

Woke up physically in a lot of pain today. Tends to happen when I am shutting down emotional pain (which I do strongly with my presentation of PTSD).

Today would have been my 25th wedding anniversary. When I mentioned it, I started to dissociate and was staring at the coloured dots on the silver wrap covering cardboard of my home made shoe shelf.

Colour and music are like ways I can ground myself, staying present, yet easing the pain. Hence my paintings. The printed dress is one of my designs from a recent painting, Phoenix Kereru. Also on other products.

I have done much of my processing of trauma and grief by listening to music. The next stage for me is to reclaim my first love, of playing piano. Music expresses the shut down emotion.

I felt like wearing nail polish today. I chose a colour to fit my mood – a subtle shimmery orangey-yellow called ‘Magic Hour.’ Colour distracts me from the pain.

I was diagnosed fibromyalgia a few decades ago. I observe the pain is in part related to PTSD and bipolar for me. Flareups after a strict gluten-free diet (also diagnosed celiac) helped reduce a lot of pain.

I observe flare ups of physical pain can correspond to shut down emotional pain.

Source: Youtube