Suicide reasons with bipolar, trauma, PTSD

TW: Suicide.
I am feeling vulnerable and exhausted, as well as processing, hence not looking my best plus being tearful.

This is a very difficult topic for me to address. I felt anxious but then the anxiety eased when I talked (my anxiety increases when I avoid).

I talked about some of the reasons I have felt suicidal. I have bipolar 1 disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Some of the reasons were that bipolar mood states were not managed because I was misdiagnosed with treatment resistant depression and on antidepressants. Being very vulnerable with stress and hormone changes shortly after giving birth (looking back now I had manic and mixed episode symptoms).

I think mixed episodes (mix of mania and depression) and depression with extreme anxiety increases the risk as these states feel like hell. It is very distressing.

I have felt suicidal because of trauma. I could be trying to relax then suddenly I would be overwhelmed with intense and distressing emotions that included intense grief. It was so distressing that I very hastily nearly made a suicide attempt. This has happened at least twice. But something inside was fighting to hold on. Mainly because it would upset my son and parents.

At times I’ve had intrusive thoughts about being killed by a truck or run over for example. These are related to traumas for me. Processing the trauma helped ease the intrusive thoughts.

Sometimes I have had suicidal thoughts for feeling like a burden (on my parents, the taxpayer etc). Especially if there has been conflict because I was having a very distressing time with the bipolar and PTSD. It affects everyone around me too. Then when others are upset with me, it makes me believe they are better of without me.

I have also felt suicidal faced with homelessness. Homelessness feels too physically and emotionally unsafe for me.

I forgot to mention, but I have also felt suicidal as a reaction to some medications eg commonly used pain killers.

Some protective factors against suicide include my own determination to survive, support of my medical team including my therapist, support of family. Plus feeling like I have meaning and purpose (I work on at least one meaningful project at a time).

Source: Youtube