Triggered depressed mood with PTSD, bipolar. Processing grief & trauma with creative expression.

My name is Xanthe Wyse. I have been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (mainly avoidance, shutdown presentation), social anxiety disorder.

In this video, I have difficulty getting started as I feel very avoidant and am partially shut down after being triggered by a troll on social media. Part of the reason I use social media is to risk being triggered. I crashed into a depressed mood after days of anxiety.

Listened to music, painted a rock and cried. Tears that have been ‘stuck’ inside for years. After this video I had a bath to relax. Tired & low energy but I will just do some gentle activities such as varnish the rock & my most recent painting, Ballerina.

I am not afraid of the tears. Bipolar with PTSD is mostly depression. I observe processing takes place with the mood shifts, hence I do not want to be over-medicated and suppress it as it needs to come out. Music and colour helps make the processing more bearable. Along the way, I transform the trauma and grief and pain into something other people find interesting (my messy, raw creative expression, mainly in the form of paintings).

Source: Youtube