Valentine's Day. Processing romance triggers. PTSD. Courage. Disability.

My name is Xanthe Wyse. Diagnosed bipolar 1 disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), social anxiety disorder.

I am on meds and have had a lot of therapy. Also do most of my trauma processing on my own. I have the avoidance and shutdown presentation of PTSD which includes avoiding intense emotions.

Even though I avoid feeling them as emotions, I still experience them in other ways. Currently my shoulders are in extreme pain – muscles all tightened up. I am feeling physically some of what I am still carrying psychologically.

Music can help me process. I was listening to Opps!… I Did It Again (Britney Spears) which was one of the songs going through my head past few days.

I hit 3 symbolic eggs (mania purchases) with a hammer. This was symbolic. To do with my own trauma plus links to other people. Including someone who died from domestic violence struck by a hammer. I didn’t know her personally but I met her daughter who has PTSD as a result.

It takes courage to keep living with PTSD. I have processed a lot so the triggers are less intense, but they are still there.

Romance and death are two of my biggest triggers. I put this dress on for the video then took it off and put my comfy T-shirts and shorts on afterwards. It is the same dress I wore when I made a video about impulse buy of a yoni egg. Same dress I went on a date with. I only went on 1 date last year. Didn’t want to progress to anything.

I bought myself a valentine’s day card but haven’t written in it yet. Thinking of affirmations from songs to counteract the crap that some people have said.

My mood in this video is ‘mixed’ – combination of elevation of mania with some features of depression. My body is hurting. Even though I mostly shut down the emotion. I am hurting.

It is rare for me to look at the camera but today, I did.

We can’t get unconditional love from other people. Romance is fleeting feelings. Accepting ourselves is part of healthy self-love.

Source: Youtube