This video is the following day after a few videos about a topic I find triggering (politics). I have been depressed for more than a week. Also been processing trauma.
I have hardly stopped crying since I was massively triggered by someone in a governmental office who has the control over supplementary income I receive (I am on a low income). By triggered, I do not mean offended or annoyed. I mean that I went into a full fight or flight state – it’s mental, emotional and physical. And it’s connected to trauma for me. Sometimes I am triggered into a freeze/shutdown state.
I mask shifts in my mood. Even on video, I have masked. But currently it’s hard to mask my tears. But I have to put on a brave face, a smile and go do a few hours work today.
I am having trouble getting ready. Now it’s nearly midday. I haven’t been able to do the things I enjoy such as painting. But I know that the mood will shift. This crappy feeling will ease for a while.
What happens with me is that I process trauma during the mood shifts and episodes. Even though it’s terribly uncomfortable and exhausting. I risk my social anxiety flaring up if someone attacks me (part of my reason for posting an opinion – even if it’s not a rational one – about a controversial subject). I have been attacked by some – I feel more confident that I can handle it and laugh it off. Not be so hurt by it. But some people do recognise my vulnerability and say I have courage to say what it is like for me.