I was singing Karaoke the other night, and was told I have a beautiful voice, but I sing nothing but sad songs. “To Love Somebody” is one of my favorites to sing. I was asked why? I couldn’t answer and I laid awake that night thinking, why? I finally realized. It is not because I want to love someone in particular, but because I want to know what love is, and genuinely give it back.
I am no good in relationships, or even friendships because of my PTSD. I have loved this lady for numerous years, as a very good friend, but the shame. guilt and fear of MST/PTSD caused me to act out when things became difficult. I lost this friendship, and everyday I regret it..
However, I hit rock bottom with the black box I lived in for over 40 years, and I had to confront myself and decide if I wanted to know what reality was. For many months now, after a very serious injury that literally slowed me down, I was able to climb out of the black box of hell.
Thank you to the new friends and people that I call family, as my real family never understood what PTSD does, and do not forgive me.
I choose to leave the valley of shame, guilt and fear and made the journey to freedom. This is my building, my foundation and castle. It is not my purpose to carry any friend, relationship or family member out of the valley I once lived in. Whenever I try to figuratively drag others from my past up that steep hill, I am hindering my own growth and once again I will be disillusioned and disappointed. It is not the way of spiritual growth and alchemy. Those that that I love and want to share my light may well choose to live in the valley for another century or more. It is up to them. But one day, perhaps in their own time, they will uncover a little track that goes up and they will think: “Hey, this is interesting, let’s go up and visit; I am not having a good time down here anymore.” And off they go. They will start their own journey of inner growth, their own climb into the light. And isn’t it wonderful, isn’t it absolutely precious, that they will find marks along the way, a track for them to hold onto? They will have to go through their own struggles, but they will have a beacon set out for them which lightens their journey. As a pioneer I will have cleared the way though a wild and unknown territory and the road paved by me will be used with gratitude and honor.
I have let go of darkness, and feel good about who I am today. My journey is just beginning, some may say it is very late, but I say it is right on time as this is what was meant to be. This is who I was born to be, to find myself, my inner being that was taken away from me at the age of 17. This is what MST/PTSD does, but it has made me very strong.
What made me feel different and lonely among other people now becomes the foundation of my connection and mutual recognition. I am able to take the pain and loneliness and turn it into a voice. Bonding with reality, and knowing that is part of me, and was part of my making is okay. The key to allowing this pain into my life is to find my own way “out of the valley” and to recognize the light within. Now I am able to recognize my own light in an environment that does not mirror it back to me. I have become independent and free. Unburdened by the karmic aspects of my history, the fears and illusions that held me down, and now I will attract relationships into my life which is based on love and respect and which reflect my awakened divinity.
I will keep working at my recovery.